I haven’t read the Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series nor do I have any inclination to, but still I was interested in all the ‘new Harry Potter’ hype so I’ve read several reviews instead. They mostly agreed on how excruciatingly bad the books were yet some shamefully admitted the weird appeal.

Well, I said to myself, let’s watch the movie. Forbidden love, cute teenagers – what’s not to like? The premise for the story is quite simple – the divorcee’s daughter Bella Swan (ouch!) comes to live with her dad, a chief of police in a small town of Forks. Surprisingly she becomes rather popular in new school and several nice guys are always around her but Bella falls for the pale-faced and distant Edward Cullen. The guy seems to be avoiding our heroine yet he is omnipresent wherever she goes. Cold hands, supernatural speed and strength, allergy to the sun – WOW, he is a VAMPIRE.

So, what it was like?

Boring and predictable. Well, predictability can be easily forgiven – in a love story we actually know how it is going to end every time. And it’s a teen romance story so none of the main characters could have died a horrible death anyway. Boredom is a heavier issue. In winter, when it’s cold and gloomy I like me some stupid romantic story if it has sweet moments at which that warm and fuzzy feeling tightens my chest promising that everything is going to be just fine. The movie lacked those moments BIG TIME. Not a drop of soul in this medicine, my winter condition prevailed.

Was the casting wrong?

Edward Cullen

Bella Swan

I think, not. Having not read the book, I cannot judge the likeness to the actual book characters, but Robert Pattinson as Edward is somewhat otherworldly and sinisterly beautiful at times, the outline of chiseled jaw, the evil curve of luscious lips; he has a face of a high school bully that would make you a friend only to mock you later with more cruelty or a Roman emperor that would sleep with his sister (Ed Westwick of Gossip Girl, I’m looking at you too!). They went too far with makeup though. Kristen Stewart’s Bella is pretty yet she conveys a perfect sense of awkwardness, of being alone in the crowd.

Why are the characters even attracted to each other?

Well, Bella, it seems, makes a point of being unhappy. Her mother is married for the second time, and from what we know, successfully. What does Bella do? Leaves for the Forks despite loathing the gloom and the cold and the constant rain. There are at least two guys in the town that show affection towards her. And Bella is interested in the one that cannot even sit with her during classes.

The reason why Edward, a hundred years old vampire, wants this otherwise quite ordinary girl, except for her sweet, sweet blood, is his talent to hear thoughts of others, or, to be precise, the failure of his talent with Bella. Edward’s ability to read faces seems to be long dead as he only relies on his mind-reading. So here she is, a black box of a girl. ‘I’ve been waiting for you for all my life’, he says. No matter how shallow Bella might happen to be, she is still a little wonder to Edward.

So, what was all the hysterics about?

Edward is stalker-ish and creepy if you’re mature and confident. But from the point of view of 13-to-17 girls (who appear to be the target audience) he might just be your perfect (if a little cold) Prince Charming: handsome, protective, always there, all he wants is to be with you, walk in the forest and hold hands. No matter that Edward is over hundred, he behaves how a teen girl, romantic and a tad infantile, would make her dream boyfriend act.

Despite the vampire theme being so over- and ill used, it still holds some charm for me. I watched True Blood this season, and I even liked it. In both Charlaine Harris’ Southern Vampire and Laurell Hamilton’s Anita Blake series there was an interesting subplot of vampires’ coming out and its consequences in modern society. It’s another story, my point here is that different authors create different vampire mythologies, while they all give their monsters speed and strength, and superficial abilities, yet they all agree on one thing: vampirism has certain disadvantages, like fear of the holy objects, being dead to the world during the day and hiding from the sun, but Stephenie’s vamps are not afraid of anything except for being discovered. There are no cons in being an undead, no downside, no vulnerabilities: people literally can do nothing against such creatures. That, and not the crazy stupid sparkling in the sun (behold: a bejeweled vampire! how glamorous!), was one of the things that made me itch.

There simply is no point in Bella’s being afraid: since the moment she met Edward, she exists solely and purely at his mercy, no matter what she thinks or does. She lives only because Edward and his family chose to be ‘vegetarians’ so they drink only animal blood (hello, PETA!).

Maybe, it was all a dream?

At some point (I believe, the sparkly one) the vampire plot husk fell aside, and the whole story turned upside down for me. Hey, I thought to myself, it’s a story of an insecure and unhappy girl, who is more plain in her head than on the outside so she dreams herself a vampire love.

See for yourself: Bella is so miserable with her newly happily married mom that she moves in with her dad who she doesn’t know what to talk about with; her new town is bleak and grey, which she hates but still it suits her more. The town is so wretched that Bella’s arrival is the next big thing: she becomes popular just because of being new.

The out-of-reach local stud Edward makes a scene of not wanting to sit with Bella so she makes up a whole story for his reasoning: he is a vampire, he craves her blood but he is not a monster by choice so he is avoiding her. She has two outstanding features (that usual people cannot be aware of): her blood scent is so sweet it makes vamps go nuts and her thoughts are hidden from Edward’s mind-reading.

With that even sparkling seems more normal – it’s only a daydream after all.

What’s next?

I’ve heard the sequel is in the works. I don’t know what happens in other books (three more, I believe), though I am sure there will be lots of other supernatural creatures which would want Bella inexplicably and at some point she would either turn into vampire or gain other superficial powers to keep up with Edward (they usually do).

P.S. I had to get some healthy dose of Richard B. Riddick, escaped convict, murderer as a cure for my winter depression.

People, I’m so shocked right now I’m going to ask you in that wonderful Russian accent of mine:

Vot ze f*ck voz Serena vearing?

I noticed the trend, you know: they are dressing S. in more and more slutty outfits, I believe it is supposed to show her tits development as a person. Slightly slutty sexy S., I got it. But was it really intended to become ‘ouch, it fell into reaally hot water and shrank to fit a ten-year-old, lets throw in some cheap looking peasant blouse and heavy beads necklace‘ sexy?!?

And yet I loved the final sequence when the patient overcame his fears and walked out of the building and House couldn’t.

I’ve never been a huge fan of the original series. Maybe it was due to the fact that it was too late for me to get hooked when it was on TV in Ukraine, maybe the weather was not right all the time, I don’t even remember. But I watched it anyway.

Nevertheless, I was smitten with Brandon in the beginning. Despite his hair and the awful self-righteousness he was like a young god to me. Others were less fun: 40-smth looking Dylan, painfully stupid Steve and cute-but-nothing-more David Silver (Brian Austin Green is surprisingly watchable in ‘Sarah Connor Chronicles’ but that’s another story).

As for the girls, well, the fact that I still remember the names means something, right? I wished to hit that cow Donna with something heavy all the time and I loved Valerie when she was particularly b*tchy. Oh, and of course, there was Andrea. I felt for Ms. Zuckerman all right and sometimes I think that the mere fact of bespectacled solidarity was not enough to account for it. What they did to her (the storyline with child and dysfunctional husband) was much more real than any of the problems that Kelly/Brenda had encountered.

So what about the spin-off? I’m not that far from Youtube generation in age, I’m closer to them than to actors from the original series. But it just doesn’t work. Everything is shinier, everybody is skinnier but nobody is likable, for God’s sake. NOBODY. The acting varies from mildly to highly annoying. The same goes with characters themselves. Each time I see that whiny Ethan I want to hit him with stick so the impression of turmoil he has as his major acting face is justified somehow. Yes, Naomi is pretty as a picture but what the hell is she wearing all the time? Chanel bag with Chanel beads and Chanel jacket? Are they vintage from her grandma box or what? I understand that with Hermiona Grandger Emma Watson as the face of Chanel these days the brand is considered appropriate for youth but not every accessory, right?

The junk-y one, Adrianna, is beautiful (when her hair is clean and combed) and seems to have some talent (the actress too). Well, her storyline has a meaning, at least. But she wanders around with like tons of drugs and her eyes look runny and red all the time, and nobody cares or does anything. Ah, allergy my *ss.

The Silver girl is the most cute, I must admit, but her blogging… WTF?! Stick figures with photoshopped heads that talk and sing?! Why is any movie/TV representation of today’s web technology so painful to look at?

Ok, I digress with all those question and exclamation marks.

I won’t even start on Wilsons, they are just annoying. I’ll ignore the girl. And crazy grandma. And the adopted son too. Ah, he feels like he doesn’t belong. Go see the shrink, you whiny … kid!

Kelly and Brenda are loitering around like they’re waiting for the standing ovation just for being there.

All in all, it is the tragic misuse of the great name, not the revival of the corpse (because the original series are not dead in the memory of so many fans), it feels like a cheap Shanel bag and Abibas sport gear. I have survived 6 episodes but I will do no more. CW, please drop it and concentrate on your gem, the guilty pleasure of Gossip Girl. Geez, even the 3rd season of Veronica Mars was much more engaging.