Good God! A TV Show…

I haven’t read the Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series nor do I have any inclination to, but still I was interested in all the ‘new Harry Potter’ hype so I’ve read several reviews instead. They mostly agreed on how excruciatingly bad the books were yet some shamefully admitted the weird appeal.

Well, I said to myself, let’s watch the movie. Forbidden love, cute teenagers – what’s not to like? The premise for the story is quite simple – the divorcee’s daughter Bella Swan (ouch!) comes to live with her dad, a chief of police in a small town of Forks. Surprisingly she becomes rather popular in new school and several nice guys are always around her but Bella falls for the pale-faced and distant Edward Cullen. The guy seems to be avoiding our heroine yet he is omnipresent wherever she goes. Cold hands, supernatural speed and strength, allergy to the sun – WOW, he is a VAMPIRE.

Hank:

OMG, what is that bump on my precious cock?

Karen:

OMG, it’s cancer!

Dr.:

Don’t worry, it might be STD, syphilis for example, or cancer, or whatever.

Hank:

NO, it can’t be STD, it’s not like I f*ck everything that moves and hate condoms. Well, I had vasectomy so now I have a reason to not use condoms. And I f*cked that sweet maid at my client’s ex-girlfriend mansion. No way that girl could have STD. And I f*cked that crazy cook from TV. NO WAY that stark raving mad b*tch could have had STD.

Karen:

Oh God, then it’s cancer!

Dr.(by phone):

It’s syphilis!

Hank:

YAY! It’s syphilis!

Karen:

Thank God, it’s syphilis!

Californication writers:

Cool, now we don’t need to use internet for our diagnosis! It’s brain syphilis! This is so great! We don’t even need House for differential!! We will just take some antibiotics!!!

People, I’m so shocked right now I’m going to ask you in that wonderful Russian accent of mine:

Vot ze f*ck voz Serena vearing?

I noticed the trend, you know: they are dressing S. in more and more slutty outfits, I believe it is supposed to show her tits development as a person. Slightly slutty sexy S., I got it. But was it really intended to become ‘ouch, it fell into reaally hot water and shrank to fit a ten-year-old, lets throw in some cheap looking peasant blouse and heavy beads necklace‘ sexy?!?

House writers, are you sh*tting me? In a show about irksome genius you give me an agoraphobic men who never leaves his house and writes manuals. Not only that, he also had a girlfriend or wife who coped with his quirks and was murdered. Where have I seen it? Oh, right, it’s Monk. Obsessive, compulsive, highly irritating genius detective. Two Monks, actually, Ambrose (locked in his house and writing manuals) and Adrian (whose wife was killed) merged into one patient. This is just lame. And the show is still on air, BTW.

And yet I loved the final sequence when the patient overcame his fears and walked out of the building and House couldn’t.

I’ve never been a huge fan of the original series. Maybe it was due to the fact that it was too late for me to get hooked when it was on TV in Ukraine, maybe the weather was not right all the time, I don’t even remember. But I watched it anyway.